From Mary, 43…
I met with Catherine because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be alive. There was no hope for me. I just wanted to die. Neither man nor doctors could help me. I felt like even God couldn’t help me, that it was too late for me. Hopelessness and discouragement seemed to be my best friends.
As we began our prayer session, we asked God to show me when I first felt this way. In my mind I went backward in time, recalling events. First, there was the last five years of personal illness. Then there was the trauma of a car accident when I was a young adult. There was also the hopelessness of thirteen years of drug abuse. Then there was me as a baby: A skinny, malnourished, two-month premature baby. The doctors had turned the incubator off, and I almost died. I believed that I didn’t deserve to live. Then I went back even further and saw the time my dad tried to kill me in the womb by poisoning my mother. I forgave my father and the doctors. (The doctors I went to five years ago misdiagnosed my condition and caused extensive damage to my body by giving me the wrong treatment.)
God then communicated his truth to me: That I am going to go out and grow fat like a stall-fed calf. To someone else, that might not sound like good news, but for me as that sickly, skinny, little baby, as well as the frail and skinny adult I’ve become due to the illness I’m currently fighting, this was great news! God made it clear that he wants me to live – and live a healthy life!
At one point during the session, I was having trouble hearing from God. I believed that I was somehow disqualified. I asked God when was the first time I felt this way. What came to mind was the memory of a time just after I decided to trust God with my life. I still struggled with quitting drugs, and it seemed that his voice got quieter and quieter. I believed that it was my fault because I was still using drugs. I forgave myself and asked God to make it up to me. I rejected the idea that anything, including my struggles, could separate me from God’s love.
As soon as I did, thoughts (which I know were coming from God) began to come so fast that I could hardly keep up with them. Then I sensed God say to me, “It’s not too late for you. Look at Lazarus. He was in the ground for four days!” He also reminded me to walk by faith not by sight – which is the sight of my frail body and the sickness at hand.
I now believe that I “shall go out and grow fat like a stall-fed calf” and “It’s not too late for me.” Hope for my future has returned!
If Mary’s story brought something to mind in your life that you would like help with, please email firstname.lastname@example.org to schedule your own appointment for emotional renovation.
This story is true and was posted with permission. The names were changed to ensure privacy.