From Desperate Beggar to Radiant Daughter

“The whole ten years that I was sick I felt isolated, alone and abandoned, but the moment I wanted to die and end it all that’s when He (God) showed up.” Esther was referring to a year and a half ago when desperation overwhelmed her. “It was like desperation on a whole new level. I could not be here. He was going to come and save me, or I was going to die – that was it.”

We asked Jesus to come and be with Esther in that memory, but she couldn’t sense His presence. She just saw herself on the floor in ruins – in a mess. We asked Jesus if there was any lie Esther was believing. Nothing came to mind. We continued getting nowhere until we realized that desperation was a spirit blocking Esther’s connection with God.

Esther broke every agreement, all communication and every connection she had made with the spirit of desperation and told it to go back where it came from in Jesus’ Name. “Jesus, what do you want to give me in exchange?” she asked. “I see myself as a sunbeam,” was the happy reply.

Esther again asked Jesus if He would come and be with her in that painful memory. “I can see Him wrapping His arms around me.”

Esther asked Jesus how He felt when it was so hard for her. “He was weeping and was feeling everything that I was feeling.” This answer was significant for Esther, because earlier in the week she was wondering if Jesus could feel what she was feeling. “I guess that answers my question.” Jesus not only felt what she felt, but He heard her thoughts and cared enough to answer her question.

Jesus also let Esther know that He didn’t want her to feel so desperate and hopeless. He told her again that He wanted her to be His sunbeam. She felt filled with light and hope – the opposite of desperation.

Esther asked Jesus if she ever had to feel desperate like that again. Nothing came to mind, and she sensed there was another lie blocking her.

“Jesus, where did I learn that I needed to beg for Your attention?”

Esther realized that she always had beg for attention. Her mother had five children and was emotionally unavailable, and her father was totally out of the picture. “I always had to beg for attention. I had to get pregnant to get attention from my mom. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose, but that’s what happened—I got her attention. She bought me food which was not normal. We ate out of the garden. There were only a few things she bought at the store like powdered milk. But I was so sick throwing up from the pregnancy that I eventually couldn’t go to school and had to drop out. That was another part of the end of my life, because I was raped when I was 12. She didn’t know anything about that, but I got attention when I got pregnant for a little while until I wasn’t pregnant anymore. So it was a learned behavior. I had to beg for attention, but I normally just kept everything to myself and didn’t ask for anything.”

Esther severed the ungodly soul ties she had made with her parents and broke agreements with fear, desperation, hopelessness, abandonment, unworthiness and neglect as well as other spirits. She rejected the lies that controlled her thoughts and behavior throughout her life and asked Jesus for the truth instead. Esther did not hear an answer.

After listening for God’s direction, we went back to the memory of when Esther was pregnant and had to drop out of school. She had been getting straight Fs in school since the time she was raped and couldn’t concentrate on her work. It was the end of everything for her. She considered herself stupid. Nobody in school liked her. They all called her a whore since she had started wearing makeup. She felt intense hatred from others.

Esther invited Jesus to be with her at that painful time. She didn’t see Jesus right away, but she saw herself on a stage where people were throwing rotten tomatoes at her. That wasn’t an actual memory, but it described clearly how she felt. “They’re throwing rotten tomatoes and garbage at me. I’m garbage.”

Esther invited Jesus to be with her in that scene. This time she could see Jesus covering her with His big feathery wings.

“Jesus, how did you feel when it was so painful for me?”

“I got a sense that He was covering me and protecting me like I was His daughter. He also gave me a thought of Him being on the cross when people were spitting on Him and rejecting Him and denying Him. It was the same picture, and He loves me as Himself. He was there with me going through it with me again. He said I didn’t deserve it.”

Esther forgave her classmates for rejecting her. The desperation and hopelessness was gone.

Esther received the truth that Jesus wanted to protect her and asked Him what her life would look like if she let Him protect her. “Beautiful, radiant—a sunbeam basically!”

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:5 

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:3-5

 

 

 

 

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From Death and Destruction to the Light of Life

Esther was experiencing ear pain and dizziness again. It had been happening on and off for years along with other health issues which included excruciating stomach pain that went misdiagnosed for years as well as a racing heart that left her unable to function. She described how she felt as being scared to death.

When we asked God to reveal the source, He showed us an image of Esther as a baby in the womb. Esther relayed the circumstances her mother told her regarding the beginning of her life. When Esther’s father found out her mother was pregnant with her, he poisoned her with the intent of killing her baby. Esther just barely survived– weighing very little at birth and was almost killed again when a doctor turned off the incubator that was keeping her alive.

Esther forgave her father, and God freed her from deep rejection, fear, isolation, separation, hopelessness, banishment, death and destruction just to name a few. She could see Jesus ripping them out by the roots. Esther renounce the lies that she deserved to be sick and didn’t deserve to live.

When she asked Jesus for the truth, she said, “Jesus just told me that I’m a sunbeam!” She saw herself as a ray of light coming from the sun.

 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16

This story is true and was posted with permission. The names were changed to ensure privacy.

If this story brought something to mind in your life, please email emotionalrenovation@yahoo.com to schedule your own appointment for emotional renovation.

Beverly and the Business Meeting

Beverly called to tell me she had just left a frustrating business meeting. The treasurer was clearly resentful of Beverly’s questions regarding the blank spots in the annual financial report – going so far as to tell Beverly that nobody liked her and she didn’t belong. This event would hurt anyone’s feelings, but because rejection and injustice was the on-going theme of Beverly’s life, it was especially painful. She was very aware of how often others were taking advantage of her. She tried to stand up for herself, but it only seemed to make things worse.

As we began to pray together, Beverly asked Jesus, “When was the first time I felt this way?” Immediately a memory of being 12 years old came to mind. Beverly was overwhelmed by the almost daily physical and emotional abuse from her mother – even her older sister would bully and berate her constantly. The beatings were brutal, and the angry, critical words were harsh. Beverly remembered kneeling in prayer hoping to find help from God. The abuse continued. God must feel about her the way her mother did she concluded.

We invited Jesus to come and be with 12-year-old Beverly. It was faint, but she could see Jesus sitting with His arm around her shoulder. It felt very peaceful.

We asked Jesus if there was any lie Beverly was believing. “I’m not wanted. There is no place for me. I’m bad,” was the answer.

We continued to pray allowing Jesus to free Beverly from the pain of the abuse. A life-time of rejection, unworthiness and hopelessness was being released. Beverly renounced the lies that had tormented her. “Jesus, what is the truth?”

“I’m loveable and I belong,” was Beverly’s joyful answer as she felt Jesus sweep her across the dance floor. She knew she belonged to Him.

And you also are among those who are called of Jesus Christ to belong to Him.” Romans 1:6  

Free to Just Say Yes!

Skylar writes:

When I first met to pray with Catherine she asked me what had been troubling to me.  I told her about the fear and anxiety I had experienced with my ex-husband.  The effects of the abuse still lingered and every day I worried that I would need to confront his anger in an email or through accusations hurled through the kids.  After a lifetime spent trying to please him, even in the divorce it wasn’t over. It seemed like I would never be free – always feeling trapped and never feeling like I was good enough or could make everyone happy. I felt controlled by fear, anger and guilt, and I really wanted to move past these scars.  I wanted to be able to embrace the new life God had given me and the grace I knew was there with my kids, my new husband and now a bigger, happier family. I was still living in fear that I tried to control but found it was controlling me.  Just opening an email could send my heart racing and start the entire cycle of anxiety pulsing through my system again.  Would I ever be able to survive for just 24 hours without living in panic and shame?

The day Catherine came to my house, she described the healing that God wanted to do in my life.  Then she prayed with me and invited the Lord to come into this place in my heart.  She asked me to describe to her the first time I had experienced this kind of terrifying fear.  I told her it was when I was very young. When my father was angry, he would use a belt to discipline me, leaving striations of scars and bloody wounds behind.  Catherine asked me how old I was when this took place.  I told her I was 8, maybe nine.  She asked if I could see this situation.  As I closed my eyes in prayer, I could see my dad standing over me.  I was like a bundle of rags thrown over the bed waiting for the next lash of the belt.  She asked me to invite Jesus to come into this situation and I did. She asked if Jesus was there in the room with me as a child and I saw Jesus standing next to me in that same bedroom I had lived in when I was a small child.  Jesus stood between my father and me.  My father was raising his hand with the belt, ready to strike me again, and Jesus held out his arm and said, “Stop!”  In that crystallized moment everything slowed down and all the days of the past came rushing in like a wave breaking upon the shore of my life.  I saw how Jesus did not want this kind of abuse in my life.  I realized that he did not approve of my father’s actions and was putting a stop to all of this mistreatment, not just in the past but also in present.  I saw the heart-chorded connection between the abuse as a child and how I had allowed people I loved to treat me today. This included all the ways that I had allowed people I loved to have that kind of unbridled access to my life. I saw that the pattern of this lack of boundaries had continued with others, especially my former husband.  I had accepted his constant criticism and cruelty as the price one paid for love just as I had accepted the beatings from my father. I had thought that to love someone also meant to suffer for them and I realized how this abuse had entwined itself into the recesses of my heart.  Yet, in this moment, I somehow knew this would all have to stop now. Towards the end of this prayer, Catherine asked me what I could see in this situation. In my mind’s eye, I could see that I had become an innocent child again. I was a small baby now and Jesus was holding me and wrapping a protective blanket around me.  All the fear was gone, all the wounds had disappeared, and the reality I knew experienced with the Lord holding me was more real and more permanent that any I had known before.  In the days to follow I found for the first time that I was able to say simply “No”.  And again, “No, not with me.”  After this time, I did not feel the guilt I would usually feel for not doing what someone else needed, even if it wasn’t good for me.  I felt free!  The “No” that the Lord gave me was protecting me from getting into situations that would turn out to be abusive to me.  He was also freeing me.  For in saying “No” to people and situations that would harm or compromise me, I also found an incredible “Yes” to myself, “Yes” to the people God had placed in my life, and “Yes” to the newness of ministry that was emerging in my life towards others.  I saw the truth of God’s heart for me in this healing time of prayer, and that truth has set me free. Yes!!

 

This story is true and was posted with permission. The names were changed to ensure privacy.

If this story brought something to mind in your life that you would like help with, please email emotionalrenovation@gmail.com to schedule your own appointment for emotional renovation.