Tag: Failure

From Desperate Beggar to Radiant Daughter

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“The whole ten years that I was sick I felt isolated, alone and abandoned, but the moment I wanted to die and end it all that’s when He (God) showed up.” Esther was referring to a year and a half ago when desperation overwhelmed her. “It was like desperation on a whole new level. I could not be here. He was going to come and save me, or I was going to die – that was it.”

We asked Jesus to come and be with Esther in that memory, but she couldn’t sense His presence. She just saw herself on the floor in ruins. We asked Jesus if there was any lie Esther was believing. Nothing came to mind. We continued getting nowhere until we realized that desperation was a spirit blocking Esther’s connection with God.

Esther broke every agreement, all communication and every connection she had made with the spirit of desperation and told it to go back where it came from in Jesus’ Name. “Jesus, what do you want to give me in exchange?” she asked. “I see myself as a sunbeam,” was the happy reply.

Esther again asked Jesus if He would come and be with her in that painful memory. “I can see Him wrapping His arms around me.”

Esther asked Jesus how He felt when it was so hard for her. “He was weeping and was feeling everything that I was feeling.” This answer was significant for Esther, because earlier in the week she was wondering if Jesus could feel what she was feeling. “I guess that answers my question.” Jesus not only felt what she felt, but He heard her thoughts and cared enough to answer her question.

Jesus also let Esther know that He didn’t want her to feel so desperate and hopeless. He told her again that He wanted her to be His sunbeam. She felt filled with light and hope – the opposite of desperation.

Esther asked Jesus if she ever had to feel desperate like that again. Nothing came to mind, and she sensed there was another lie blocking her.

“Jesus, where did I learn that I needed to beg for Your attention?”

Esther realized that she always had to beg for attention. Her mother had five children and was emotionally unavailable, and her father was totally out of the picture. “I always had to beg for attention. I had to get pregnant to get attention from my mom. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose, but that’s what happened—I got her attention. She bought me food which was not normal. We ate out of the garden. There were only a few things she bought at the store like powdered milk. But I was so sick throwing up from the pregnancy that I eventually couldn’t go to school and had to drop out. That was another part of the end of my life, because I was raped when I was 12. She didn’t know anything about that, but I got attention when I got pregnant for a little while until I wasn’t pregnant anymore. So it was a learned behavior. I had to beg for attention, but I normally just kept everything to myself and didn’t ask for anything.”

Esther severed the ungodly soul ties she had made with her parents and broke agreements with fear, desperation, hopelessness, abandonment, unworthiness and neglect as well as other spirits. She rejected the lies that controlled her thoughts and behavior throughout her life and asked Jesus for the truth instead. Esther did not hear an answer.

After listening for God’s direction, we went back to the memory of when Esther was pregnant and had to drop out of school. She had been getting straight Fs in school since the time she was raped and couldn’t concentrate on her work. It was the end of everything for her. She considered herself stupid. Nobody in school liked her. They all called her a whore since she had started wearing makeup. She felt intense hatred from others.

Esther invited Jesus to be with her at that painful time. She didn’t see Jesus right away, but she saw herself on a stage where people were throwing rotten tomatoes at her. That wasn’t an actual memory, but it described clearly how she felt. “They’re throwing rotten tomatoes and garbage at me. I’m garbage.”

Esther invited Jesus to be with her in that scene. This time she could see Jesus covering her with His big feathery wings.

“Jesus, how did you feel when it was so painful for me?”

“I got a sense that He was covering me and protecting me like I was His daughter. He also gave me a thought of Him being on the cross when people were spitting on Him and rejecting Him and denying Him. It was the same picture, and He loves me as Himself. He was there with me going through it with me again. He said I didn’t deserve it.”

Esther forgave her classmates for rejecting her. The desperation and hopelessness was gone.

Esther received the truth that Jesus wanted to protect her and asked Him what her life would look like if she let Him protect her. “Beautiful, radiant—a sunbeam basically!”

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:5 

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:3-5

 

 

 

 

 

Beverly and the Business Meeting

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Beverly called to tell me she had just left a frustrating business meeting. The treasurer was clearly resentful of Beverly’s questions regarding the blank spots in the annual financial report – going so far as to tell Beverly that nobody liked her and she didn’t belong. This event would hurt anyone’s feelings, but because rejection and injustice was the on-going theme of Beverly’s life, it was especially painful. She was very aware of how often others were taking advantage of her. She tried to stand up for herself, but it only seemed to make things worse.

As we began to pray together, Beverly asked Jesus, “When was the first time I felt this way?” Immediately a memory of being 12 years old came to mind. Beverly was overwhelmed by the almost daily physical and emotional abuse from her mother – even her older sister would bully and berate her constantly. The beatings were brutal, and the angry, critical words were harsh. Beverly remembered kneeling in prayer hoping to find help from God. The abuse continued. God must feel about her the way her mother did she concluded.

We invited Jesus to come and be with 12-year-old Beverly. It was faint, but she could see Jesus sitting with His arm around her shoulder. It felt very peaceful.

We asked Jesus if there was any lie Beverly was believing. “I’m not wanted. There is no place for me. I’m bad,” was the answer.

We continued to pray allowing Jesus to free Beverly from the pain of the abuse. A life-time of rejection, unworthiness and hopelessness was being released. Beverly renounced the lies that had tormented her. “Jesus, what is the truth?”

“I’m loveable and I belong,” was Beverly’s joyful answer as she felt Jesus sweep her across the dance floor. She knew she belonged to Him.

“ And you also are among those who are called of Jesus Christ to belong to Him.” Romans 1:6  

Darla and the Barking Dog

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Darla met with me today. She was feeling extremely annoyed over the incessant barking of her mother’s little dog. The dog and her mother had been living with her for years.

After prayer she remembered that she felt just as stressed 30 years ago when, as a 15-year-old mother, she was struggling to care for her infant daughter. Darla was still very dependent on her mother at that time especially to help her care for her baby.

In this particular memory, Darla’s mother was out running errands, so she was alone with her crying baby. She felt overwhelmed and helpless to soothe her colicky child. Nothing was working. Darla decided to change the baby’s diaper to see if that would help. Her daughter became even more hysterical, and Darla tried even harder to comfort her. After a while of rocking and jostling without results, she checked the diaper again only to discover that she had mistakenly pinned the diaper to the baby’s skin.

Darla was beside herself with guilt. She decided that she was not capable of caring for her child and that she was a bad mother. Darla also blamed her mother for refusing to buy disposable diapers.

As soon as her mother returned from shopping, Darla left the house and from then on stayed away as much as possible. She started drinking heavily which led to her boyfriend breaking up with her as well as many other problems.

During our prayer time, Darla was able to forgive herself and her mother. God revealed that Darla believed the lie that she didn’t deserve her daughter’s love. When she asked for the truth in exchange, God told her that He was giving her all of His love. Darla knew she was free.

From Fear of Failure to Powerful Possibilities

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From Sean:

I had been thinking of going into business for myself but suddenly found myself very discouraged. Thoughts like “who am I kidding?” and “I am not even close to having the right skills” were coming to mind. I had been in business for myself before, and though it had not been entirely unsuccessful, I had experienced a difficult season where things did not go well and I had run into financial difficulty as a result. On top of my discouraging thoughts was the question, “What makes me think that won’t happen again?”

As I began to pray, this question came to mind as Catherine encouraged me to ask, “Lord, when was the first time I felt discouraged like this?” I also remembered feeling this way going to college. I had had a terrible time emotionally in college and eventually dropped out. In both cases, I sensed it was not God’s plan for me to do so, but it had happened.

Then Catherine asked if there was any other time. I suddenly remembered a time when I was about seven. It was my birthday, and my mom had taken me to the toy store to purchase a gift. It was GI JOE helicopter. The helicopter required assembly, and I was so excited I decided to try to assemble it myself. But I did not follow the directions perfectly and had accidentally snapped together the helicopter frame before placing the propeller assembly inside of it. I was stuck. When my dad got home, he yelled and screamed about how I had ruined it, and I felt crushed.

Catherine asked if I would ask Jesus how he felt when that happened, and I did. Suddenly I saw a scientist lab. There is a scene in the movie Meet the Robinsons, when the main character as a boy is led by his adoptive parents into his own scientist lab, which is the place where he will ultimately build his most famous inventions. And in my memory, I suddenly saw Jesus as my adoptive parent, and He was leading me to my lab. I then saw Jesus address my father, as if to say: Do not chastise the boy for his mistake, for this is his very first experiment. I felt protected. I also realized that Jesus knew me, and that he had great plans for me.

Then another memory suddenly came to mind of me at the age of about ten, in the bathroom of our house growing up, standing quietly in the dark. There had been a power failure, and it happened on a night when my dad had been drinking heavily and, as he typically did, terrorizing my mom. I felt so alone and so helpless and hopeless.

Then Catherine asked if I could see Jesus anywhere in that memory. It was strange, but suddenly I could. He was just outside the bathroom door, shining a flashlight underneath the door. I saw myself open the door a crack, and Jesus asked if I wanted to play one of my favorite childhood games with him. This was extremely significant to me for a number of reasons. I felt that Jesus really understood me and wanted to spend time with me.

Catherine then asked if I wanted (in my memory) to go outside of the bathroom and have Jesus pick me up. But I realized I was hesitant. I was afraid to open the door any further. I felt that if I let Jesus be in control that much, something bad would happen to me. Then, at Catherine’s leading, I repented for believing the lie that Jesus was scary and terrifying, just as my father had been. I also forgave my father for teaching me that God was too terrifying to trust. I did so, and I began to cry deeply. In my mind’s eye, I then saw me reach out my hand and Jesus scoop me up in his arms. He then struck or rebuked the darkness, or something in the darkness of the bathroom. Holding me in his arms, He then went around the house placing his hand on all my family members, telling them everything was going to be all right. It was as though He was a super hero. Then Catherine had me ask: Jesus, what would it be like if I was connected to you like this all the time? I did, and I sensed God saying, “You would be a super hero like me, too, setting people free from what hold’s them bound.”

I then asked, “Lord, if I go into business for myself again, will I fail?” And I sensed Him say, “If you go into business by yourself, then it is possible you might fail. But I want you to go into business with Me.” I then saw suddenly why my past business had run into difficulty. It was as if Jesus shined a light on the moment I had gone one way when he was leading me in another. I had not done so out of rebellion; I simply had done so out of ignorance, because I did not know God wanted to partner with me in business. I had thought God wanted me to do great things for Him, to secure His favor. It had not occurred to me He wanted me to do great things with Him. And it was He who wanted to do great things through me, as I did what came naturally as I remain connected to Him.

I am now excited about going into business with God. And I will never see myself and what I do in the same way again.

This story is true and was posted with permission. The names were changed to ensure privacy.

If this story brought something to mind in your life that you would like help with, please email emotionalrenovation@gmail.com to schedule your own appointment for emotional renovation.