From Desperate Beggar to Radiant Daughter

“The whole ten years that I was sick I felt isolated, alone and abandoned, but the moment I wanted to die and end it all that’s when He (God) showed up.” Esther was referring to a year and a half ago when desperation overwhelmed her. “It was like desperation on a whole new level. I could not be here. He was going to come and save me, or I was going to die – that was it.”

We asked Jesus to come and be with Esther in that memory, but she couldn’t sense His presence. She just saw herself on the floor in ruins. We asked Jesus if there was any lie Esther was believing. Nothing came to mind. We continued getting nowhere until we realized that desperation was a spirit blocking Esther’s connection with God.

Esther broke every agreement, all communication and every connection she had made with the spirit of desperation and told it to go back where it came from in Jesus’ Name. “Jesus, what do you want to give me in exchange?” she asked. “I see myself as a sunbeam,” was the happy reply.

Esther again asked Jesus if He would come and be with her in that painful memory. “I can see Him wrapping His arms around me.”

Esther asked Jesus how He felt when it was so hard for her. “He was weeping and was feeling everything that I was feeling.” This answer was significant for Esther, because earlier in the week she was wondering if Jesus could feel what she was feeling. “I guess that answers my question.” Jesus not only felt what she felt, but He heard her thoughts and cared enough to answer her question.

Jesus also let Esther know that He didn’t want her to feel so desperate and hopeless. He told her again that He wanted her to be His sunbeam. She felt filled with light and hope – the opposite of desperation.

Esther asked Jesus if she ever had to feel desperate like that again. Nothing came to mind, and she sensed there was another lie blocking her.

“Jesus, where did I learn that I needed to beg for Your attention?”

Esther realized that she always had to beg for attention. Her mother had five children and was emotionally unavailable, and her father was totally out of the picture. “I always had to beg for attention. I had to get pregnant to get attention from my mom. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose, but that’s what happened—I got her attention. She bought me food which was not normal. We ate out of the garden. There were only a few things she bought at the store like powdered milk. But I was so sick throwing up from the pregnancy that I eventually couldn’t go to school and had to drop out. That was another part of the end of my life, because I was raped when I was 12. She didn’t know anything about that, but I got attention when I got pregnant for a little while until I wasn’t pregnant anymore. So it was a learned behavior. I had to beg for attention, but I normally just kept everything to myself and didn’t ask for anything.”

Esther severed the ungodly soul ties she had made with her parents and broke agreements with fear, desperation, hopelessness, abandonment, unworthiness and neglect as well as other spirits. She rejected the lies that controlled her thoughts and behavior throughout her life and asked Jesus for the truth instead. Esther did not hear an answer.

After listening for God’s direction, we went back to the memory of when Esther was pregnant and had to drop out of school. She had been getting straight Fs in school since the time she was raped and couldn’t concentrate on her work. It was the end of everything for her. She considered herself stupid. Nobody in school liked her. They all called her a whore since she had started wearing makeup. She felt intense hatred from others.

Esther invited Jesus to be with her at that painful time. She didn’t see Jesus right away, but she saw herself on a stage where people were throwing rotten tomatoes at her. That wasn’t an actual memory, but it described clearly how she felt. “They’re throwing rotten tomatoes and garbage at me. I’m garbage.”

Esther invited Jesus to be with her in that scene. This time she could see Jesus covering her with His big feathery wings.

“Jesus, how did you feel when it was so painful for me?”

“I got a sense that He was covering me and protecting me like I was His daughter. He also gave me a thought of Him being on the cross when people were spitting on Him and rejecting Him and denying Him. It was the same picture, and He loves me as Himself. He was there with me going through it with me again. He said I didn’t deserve it.”

Esther forgave her classmates for rejecting her. The desperation and hopelessness was gone.

Esther received the truth that Jesus wanted to protect her and asked Him what her life would look like if she let Him protect her. “Beautiful, radiant—a sunbeam basically!”

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:5 

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:3-5






From Rotten Apple to the Apple of His Eye

Sally was being tormented by bad memories for days but couldn’t think of any of them when we met to pray. I was confident God would bring to her mind whatever He wanted to heal.

Before we started to pray, we discussed the amazing video of Ian McCormack who had a life-after-death experience. Sally was especially impacted by the part of the story where Jesus was showering Ian with His love even though he had sinned so much. She didn’t think Jesus would do that for her. She was sure she wasn’t good enough.

We started praying, and Sally asked Jesus what He wanted to do for her. She didn’t sense anything. I suggested she ask Jesus to bring to her mind a time when she felt she wasn’t good enough for God’s love.

Immediately a memory of when she was three years old came up. A neighborhood boy had talked her into lifting her dress and proceeded to molest her. Sally didn’t really understand what happened, but she told her mother about it when she returned from playing outside. Her mother didn’t say anything, but her face looked very angry. Sally hung her head in shame. She was sure she must be very bad to make her mother so angry.

Sally invited Jesus to be with her in that painful moment with her mother. It was difficult for her to sense God. We continued to pray allowing Jesus to free Sally from the anger, self-hatred, unworthiness and shame she had been carrying around for so long. Sally forgave her mother and the boy, and she handed Jesus all the painful lies she had been believing about herself. She asked Jesus for His truth in exchange.

Sally heard Jesus say, “Your mother is not God. She is human, doing the best she can.” She asked Jesus how He felt about what happened and how He would have responded to her. Sally saw and felt Jesus pick her up and hold her in His arms. She could tell He felt hurt by what happened to her with the boy, and He explained to her why it wasn’t okay. She heard Jesus tell her, “You are the apple of my eye. You are loved with an everlasting love.”

Sally believed Him.

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3

“He found him in a desert land and in the wasteland, a howling wilderness; He encircled him, He instructed him, He kept him as the apple of His eye.” Deuteronomy 32:10

This story is true and was posted with permission. The names were changed to ensure privacy.

If this story brought something to mind in your life that you would like help with, please email to schedule your own appointment for emotional renovation.

Darla and the Barking Dog

Darla met with me today. She was feeling extremely annoyed over the incessant barking of her mother’s little dog. The dog and her mother had been living with her for years.

After prayer she remembered that she felt just as stressed 30 years ago when, as a 15-year-old mother, she was struggling to care for her infant daughter. Darla was still very dependent on her mother at that time especially to help her care for her baby.

In this particular memory, Darla’s mother was out running errands, so she was alone with her crying baby. She felt overwhelmed and helpless to soothe her colicky child. Nothing was working. Darla decided to change the baby’s diaper to see if that would help. Her daughter became even more hysterical, and Darla tried even harder to comfort her. After a while of rocking and jostling without results, she checked the diaper again only to discover that she had mistakenly pinned the diaper to the baby’s skin.

Darla was beside herself with guilt. She decided that she was not capable of caring for her child and that she was a bad mother. Darla also blamed her mother for refusing to buy disposable diapers.

As soon as her mother returned from shopping, Darla left the house and from then on stayed away as much as possible. She started drinking heavily which led to her boyfriend breaking up with her as well as many other problems.

During our prayer time, Darla was able to forgive herself and her mother. God revealed that Darla believed the lie that she didn’t deserve her daughter’s love. When she asked for the truth in exchange, God told her that He was giving her all of His love. Darla knew she was free.

Jesus is more powerful than the abuse.

Olivia writes:

Emotional Renovation has really helped me with my healing process from my sexual abuse.  I started meeting with Catherine over the phone a few months ago.  When we prayed, Jesus always showed up.  During my ER sessions, God would sometimes bring me back to my childhood and showed me where He was during the abusive times.  Even though there was much pain remembering each abusive situation, I always ended the session with peace because He showed me where He was in the midst of it all. It has been so comforting to see Jesus right there with me, loving me, even in the middle of the abuse. It hasn’t changed the history of what happened to me, but changed my outlook and attitude knowing that God never left my side.  God didn’t want those things to happen to me, but man has a free will to do as he pleases, even the most evil of things.  Now, when I think about my abusive childhood, I can often smile because I see Jesus right there with me, loving me, comforting me, and it is more powerful than the abuse. God’s love envelopes the memory of my abuse.  His healing love is just so incredible, so soothing.  It’s almost too good to explain, you just have to experience it.   I thank God for the ministry of Emotional Renovation.  He really is healing me, little by little.


This story is true and was posted with permission. The names were changed to ensure privacy.

If this story brought something to mind in your life that you would like help with, please email to schedule your own appointment for emotional renovation.

Free to Just Say Yes!

Skylar writes:

When I first met to pray with Catherine she asked me what had been troubling to me.  I told her about the fear and anxiety I had experienced with my ex-husband.  The effects of the abuse still lingered and every day I worried that I would need to confront his anger in an email or through accusations hurled through the kids.  After a lifetime spent trying to please him, even in the divorce it wasn’t over. It seemed like I would never be free – always feeling trapped and never feeling like I was good enough or could make everyone happy. I felt controlled by fear, anger and guilt, and I really wanted to move past these scars.  I wanted to be able to embrace the new life God had given me and the grace I knew was there with my kids, my new husband and now a bigger, happier family. I was still living in fear that I tried to control but found it was controlling me.  Just opening an email could send my heart racing and start the entire cycle of anxiety pulsing through my system again.  Would I ever be able to survive for just 24 hours without living in panic and shame?

The day Catherine came to my house, she described the healing that God wanted to do in my life.  Then she prayed with me and invited the Lord to come into this place in my heart.  She asked me to describe to her the first time I had experienced this kind of terrifying fear.  I told her it was when I was very young. When my father was angry, he would use a belt to discipline me, leaving striations of scars and bloody wounds behind.  Catherine asked me how old I was when this took place.  I told her I was 8, maybe nine.  She asked if I could see this situation.  As I closed my eyes in prayer, I could see my dad standing over me.  I was like a bundle of rags thrown over the bed waiting for the next lash of the belt.  She asked me to invite Jesus to come into this situation and I did. She asked if Jesus was there in the room with me as a child and I saw Jesus standing next to me in that same bedroom I had lived in when I was a small child.  Jesus stood between my father and me.  My father was raising his hand with the belt, ready to strike me again, and Jesus held out his arm and said, “Stop!”  In that crystallized moment everything slowed down and all the days of the past came rushing in like a wave breaking upon the shore of my life.  I saw how Jesus did not want this kind of abuse in my life.  I realized that he did not approve of my father’s actions and was putting a stop to all of this mistreatment, not just in the past but also in present.  I saw the heart-chorded connection between the abuse as a child and how I had allowed people I loved to treat me today. This included all the ways that I had allowed people I loved to have that kind of unbridled access to my life. I saw that the pattern of this lack of boundaries had continued with others, especially my former husband.  I had accepted his constant criticism and cruelty as the price one paid for love just as I had accepted the beatings from my father. I had thought that to love someone also meant to suffer for them and I realized how this abuse had entwined itself into the recesses of my heart.  Yet, in this moment, I somehow knew this would all have to stop now. Towards the end of this prayer, Catherine asked me what I could see in this situation. In my mind’s eye, I could see that I had become an innocent child again. I was a small baby now and Jesus was holding me and wrapping a protective blanket around me.  All the fear was gone, all the wounds had disappeared, and the reality I knew experienced with the Lord holding me was more real and more permanent that any I had known before.  In the days to follow I found for the first time that I was able to say simply “No”.  And again, “No, not with me.”  After this time, I did not feel the guilt I would usually feel for not doing what someone else needed, even if it wasn’t good for me.  I felt free!  The “No” that the Lord gave me was protecting me from getting into situations that would turn out to be abusive to me.  He was also freeing me.  For in saying “No” to people and situations that would harm or compromise me, I also found an incredible “Yes” to myself, “Yes” to the people God had placed in my life, and “Yes” to the newness of ministry that was emerging in my life towards others.  I saw the truth of God’s heart for me in this healing time of prayer, and that truth has set me free. Yes!!


This story is true and was posted with permission. The names were changed to ensure privacy.

If this story brought something to mind in your life that you would like help with, please email to schedule your own appointment for emotional renovation.